This is a true life story of my friend, Suanne.
She is gorgeous looking and has a blissful family. The people who do not know her past may envy her for what she has. But she has such been through such difficult times that no one would wish to swap place with her if they know her story. Read below on her sharing on how she picked herself up in her darkest moments and the 10 valuable lessons she learnt out of her ordeal.
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LOSING HIM
Alone and afraid, I rushed down to Khoo Teck Puat hospital’s A&E and had an odd feeling when I arrived. The nurse told me I didn’t need to register. “Wait here,” she said, while a group of surgeons walked towards me.
And those four words echoed in my ear — “We tried our best.” I stood there shaking.
When I saw him, I knew he was long gone. His limp body had turned cold and his tongue and lips were pale white. His jaw was dislocated from the impact of the airbag, and his forehead was swollen from internal bleeding. Paramedics found no sign of life at the scene.
I didn’t sleep the whole night, but I couldn’t afford to grieve as his mother was too devastated to arrange the funeral. According to Taoists, if a family member of a younger generation passes away, the funeral has to take place within three days. That gave us only days left; one to clean the body, the other to say goodbye.
LIFE WITHOUT HIM
No words can describe the feeling during the first morning you wake up. When you open your eyes to the alarm clock ringing at 6.30am, still in a daze, only to touch the cold side of the bed.
Like any morning routine, I checked my phone to see if he messaged. Once, I called him hoping he could wake me up from some sick dream. But as the voicemail played, I reminded myself he was gone.
During the funeral preparation, I couldn’t find a good photo of him so I had to go to the bridal shop to use his groom shots. I claimed his body at Singapore General Hospital’s block 9 but the shifu said we couldn’t send him off lest he remained too attached to this world.
On 5 May 2011, I went to Kong Meng San monastery to collect the remains. We were ushered to a room where they brought his bones out. Each of us had to take a piece and place it inside the urn, before dropping a coin inside. We placed the urn in a temple at Simon Road.
For 49 days, I went down to pray and give offerings. Being pregnant, my family advised me not to, but I said it was the last I could do as a wife.
The daily reflections at night kept me awake for days. The longer I lived without him, the more real it became. Crying was inevitable, but what hurt me more was seeing my mother cry, to a point where I had to walk to my car every time I needed to mourn.
BIRTH OF DANSON
I broke down when I was in labour, but after an emergency C-section, Danson was born.
During the confinement period, my psychiatrist increased my dosage of antidepressants which made me too light-headed to function. It made me worse. After several weeks, I realised paying someone to listen to me talk wasn’t going to work so I stopped medication and looked towards Buddhism.
SEEKING LOVE
After Daniel’s death, I struggled to date again in 2014. I met a guy and we dated for 6 months. But, one day, he told me he couldn’t accept my son and that I had no backbone to support myself. I wondered, “What did my son do? He’s innocent, why does he deserve this?”
His cutting words urged me to go out and work. But, it wasn’t easy coping with separation anxiety when Danson was enrolled in a childcare centre. Despite being a bright kid who knew the numbers and alphabets at two years old, Danson wasn’t socialising with other kids. His iPad was his best friend.
YOU CANNOT SEE HIM BUT HE CAN SEE YOU
Once, Danson came home from playgroup and asked, “Where’s my daddy?”
I told him, “He’s up in the sky.” He looked up and said, “I cannot see him,” and I replied, “but he can see you.”
WORKING ROUND THE CLOCK
To earn more money, I took up a full-time insurance job while juggling my dad’s business. I figured, if I couldn’t help myself emotionally, I could help myself financially. Working round the clock, the only hobby I had was reading.
FINDING TRUE LOVE AGAIN
Call it coincidence or uncanny fate, but I met my current husband, also named Daniel, through work. Despite my personal policy not to date co-workers, Daniel broke down the walls I had unknowingly built to avoid getting hurt again. We married in September 2016. Danson now addresses Daniel as ‘Daddy’ after years of treating my father as his surrogate dad.
VALUABLE LESSONS LEARNT
My late husband’s death taught me how to appreciate the little moments we often forget in the hustle and bustle of modern society. Apart from that, here are some of my daily reminders:
1. Change your mindset to let fear go. What’s the point of sweating the small stuff?
2. Value moments instead of materialism.
3. Health and safety are the most prized gifts, treasure them.
4. The ordinary things that make you happy are blessings if you look close enough.
5. You are not alone. Don’t be afraid to draw strength from people who care.
6. People will try to dictate your feelings. But you don’t owe anything to anyone, except your parents for raising you.
7. You won’t know how far you’ve gone until you look back. Keep going.
8. Take your time, you are a work-in-progress.
9. When someone hurts you, you don’t have to hurt them back.
10. By helping others, you help yourself.
My family and my faith were the pillars that held me together when I crumbled. When I cried in the hospital, I felt like Danson was there to experience it with me, even as a fetus inside me.
Credits: Suanne, Interview by Zula.sg
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